||[Mar. 1st, 2002|11:56 pm]
The Love Bug
|||||Heart 106.2 (streaming)||]|
Something that yumseta said in his last post reminded me of something that I have been trying to push to the back of my mind.
And that is the fact that in just over 6 months, I will be 30 years old... and entering my 4th decade of life on this earth.
That may not seem as something very impressive to most of you, but it's quite a big step for me.
It's not the fact that I'm getting older, because I still believe that I'm quite young... ukcamgirl, shut it! <g> ... but more to the fact that I'll be thirty-something, rather than twenty-something.
When I moved back to Slough in 1993, I was 20 years old... but I still hadn't grown up. But I grew up very shortly afterwards, when I entered the "real world", and realised that everything that happened to me was directly or indirectly as a result of my own actions.
But now that I approach the 8-year anniversary of working for Yell, I've met Caroline and we're now married, and we have a home of our own, as well as responsibilities and commitments.
In a recent post, gdj asked the question, When was the first moment that you realized that you were an adult?... I answered that it was probably when I was 22, as I mentioned above about the time I "grew" up. However, having thought about it more, I became an adult shortly after I met Caroline and I realised that my life suddenly had meaning. (Please, I hope that no-one takes offence at that.)
So I suppose the thing that worries me the most about my forthcoming birthday, is that it is the first major age milestone since my entry into adulthood... and I ask myself what on earth I've done with my life.
Don't worry, this isn't a bout of depression... this is just me emptying my head, as usual :-)
You aren't the only one who wonders what they've done with their lives, I think about it every day.
It only seems like yesterday that I was 21, the last 8 years have flown past.
And yeah, I'm trying to push that 'oh god I'm 30 next birthday' thought' to the back of my mind too.
2002-03-01 08:33 pm (UTC)
Well, if there was something IN your head... oh, do I know you well enough to say that? *looks around* Umm...
Thinking about adulthood... I started to "feel" adult about the time I got married, when I was 23 or so... and I went along this way and that. It was a shock when my mother died and I was about 40 then. She was my best friend, dog breeding partner and most of my life outside my immediate family (husband and two kids).
Then three years ago, when I was 45, my life changed entirely. Now I cannot judge how old I am or how mature. I was made into a baby and reborn through Christ into an entirely new person. I had gone to church, "believed" in God, been involved, all that stuff... Until He actually started talking to me and I learned I must die and be reborn in spirit. Now it is clear that the things I knew as "god" were just emotion and walking death, the church has nothing really to offer and God lives.
So, I may be 48 physically, some days I feel about 80... but in spirit I am 3 years old. My mind is wise in the ways of this world, but those I need to be rid of, for they stand in the way of Christ in me. I am being made young in one way and brought to maturity in another. I know life as I have never known life and it is love, it is wonderful. I can't even begin to explain it all.. :)
So... age doesn't change the person you are inside. Really nothing does, until God decides to! Who, by thinking, can change one cubit of their height?
Actually, reading your post again... I have realised that I'm an adult, but I don't necessarily feel it all the time.
I can tell you exactly when it was that I realised it. It was 24th August 2000. We had gone to the hospital to bring my Granny home the first time after she had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I had to go into the meeting about Granny with my parents and aunt and uncle. The doctor was explaining what we should watch out for (a particular instance where Granny would start bleeding very rapidly and pass out, and we would need to call an ambulance), and my Mum turned to me and said - "listen carefully, because you'll be the one who this is most like to happen to." And I sat there, kinda numb, and I gulped. And that was the moment.